Thursday, 6 May 2010

Dear Marie Clare Magazine.....

Dear Marie Clare.

I don’t generally read your magazine, if I wanted a glossy bound pile of ads I’d flick through an Argos catalogue. If I want toilet roll I'll grab My Weekly, or even go to the shop now I'm a wage slave. Hell, you don’t even seem to have those folded page perfume testers which were the only reason to buy your sodden rag in the first place (so I love to rub a vague hint of Yves Saint Laurent into paper cuts – problem??)

So it was to my massive surprise yesterday whilst waiting in the doctor’s surgery (Doctor Peters I salute you, you are a gentlewoman and a scholar) that I happened upon an actual article in your grubby little comic.

Bryony Gordon, who I’m assuming is some kind of journalist, was telling the be-oranged excuses for thinking people who subscribe to this grubby little publication (whose daily email bulletins take their editorial straight from the Daily Mail by the way) about the graduation from Girl Power to Woman Power.

Now be warned - I’m a moaning fun free feminist. I don’t even diet despite your parade of perfect images to guilt me into hating myself coupled with your useful tips telling me how to (this week Gwyneth Paltrow is espousing the health benefits of draining the blood from live kittens and then spitting it onto the pensioners that stagger past her West London mansion, instead of eating) AND I’ve never blamed a feminist text for destroying Girl Power by pointing out that the sexualisation of young women might be a bad thing. But frankly Marie Clare – this article made me hate you more than normal. Let me count the ways as Ms Gordon as she reminisces back to 1998 and the giddy joy of being liberated by five twats in their underwear:

"There, in Sporty, Scary, Baby, Posh and Ginger, was the ability to be whoever you damned well wanted to be."

Presumably as long as that was a Sporty, Scary, Baby, Posh or Ginger woman – dancing around in their underwear. Now I don’t want to be a bitch (okay I do) but I’m sure I heard somewhere that there was some sort of feminist movement prior to the Spud Girls???

But then she continues to argue that women are taking more and more of a prominent place in the world, (therefore Girl Power isn’t dead?):

"Deputy Prime Minister, Harriet Harman, is one of the most passionate advocates of women's causes that Westminster has ever seen; elsewhere, the female spouses of major world leaders are now players in their own right. Hilary Clinton has gone from First Lady to powerful politician, while Michelle Obama and Sarah Brown, both impressive career women themselves, appear stronger and more popular than their husbands."

1. When it comes to women’s issues Harriett Harman does rock. I agree. The problem is that everyone else seems to hate her,  and the gutter press do so exactly because of her shocking belief that people should be equal no matter what.

2. Sarah Brown and Michelle Obama are indeed both interesting, educated and cool women, I’m guessing this, of course, because all I’ve ever heard about is their clothes and hair, we stare at their feet and their handbags. Or if we’re really lucky – we have a good old judge off. Let’s face it, Michelle Obama could come up with a fool proof way to cut the deficit and save the world and no one would give a shit because she was wearing white shoes after Labor Day.

She concludes: "In 2010, we have Women Power at last."

Let me get something straight - The Spice Girls were a pop band. They made pop records and music videos. They had their pictures taken and made a rubbish film. The Spice Girls never added to the equality legislation in the UK, they never found a solution for the low level of rape convictions, they never raised awareness about domestic violence or women’s poverty, they never cut through the glass ceiling. They paraded around in different outfits singing someone else’s songs. Girl Power was not a revolution, it was not even a movement. It was a marketing slogan and a way to dress up sexualisation as empowerment. It cannot grow or change or evolve because it is nothing more than a distraction.

The truth is, Marie Clare, that The Spice Girls paved the way for Rhianna, Beyonce, The Saturdays, Lady Gaga, Girls Aloud and countless others to dance around in their underwear. Something Madonna had already done. Better. Way to change the world.

As for the rest of us? We continue to be judged on appearance rather than what lies below, but I guess you’d know all about that wouldn’t you? Being a shit rag filled with airbrushed “perfection” and the half baked opinions of clots like Bryony Gordon.

Yours with bile,

Tommy Lassoo.


  1. The opposite of hate RantyPants!!!


    Why is this the first time I've ever considered the fact that Ginger was the only real spice involved in the Spice Girls, and that worries me more than anything you've just said?

    What was I thinking?

  2. Okay good point! Can I have an election day pass to be angry?


    There's loads more hate ready to come later on!
    You're right about the Spice Girls only having one spice too - methinks someone thought it up on the bus to work.

  3. P.S I was nice about my doctor!

    In fact I warmed to her even more because she reminded me of you Alex xxxx

    Does that help?!