Saturday, 25 September 2010

Goodbye 30 - you did me well....

A quick and happy update for today, I turned 31 yesterday. It's a common phenomenon to freak out for a full six months before turning 30 - I know too many people who did it. Ageing is feared in our society, we inject botulism into our faces to try and stop it, we end up looking like Sissy Spacek to counter its effects - all of which is a stupid and unnecessary waste of precious time.  So ageing does bring you a little closer to death - so fucking what? I love learning, I love getting through another year and genuinely being older and wiser. Turning 30 is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and here are my reasons why:

1. I have a proper job, which means I earned enough money to buy myself a computer - which started everything.....
2. I have recorded half an album - I'm going to re-record it at 31 to make it actually sound good, but I'm still pretty proud of that.
3. I've made 3 films. I'm making another one next week. This goddamn rocks, all I've ever really wanted to do with my life is make films and now I'm doing it.
4. I've written half a novel. If I'm really lucky one day I'll get it finished.
5. I've joined a couple of bands and started playing flute again - I didn't touch my flute for 10 years and I thought I couldn't improvise. It turns out I'm more talented than I thought I was.
6. I write cartoons even though I can't draw - they make me happy.
7. It's much easier not to give a rats ass about the negativity surrounding you when you can create.
8. Neighbours has been really good this year - especially in the last few weeks. Paul Robinson you bastard.
9. Same goes for Eastenders - Phil on crack, best thing ever.

So there you have it. 30 has been really groundbreaking for me, I can't believe I've achieved so much, and next year's going to be even better. I can feel it in my bones.......


Monday, 13 September 2010

Welcome to Tommy's diet club

Hi everyone, people keep asking me how I keep my wonderful physique, even now I'm over 30 years old and should be going for at least daily injections of botulism into my face to prevent me from being unattractive to men. 

So I'm going to take a few moments to share with you my top five diet tips, maybe you could follow them yourselves and maybe you won't die alone and be eaten by cats. 

1. Instead of eating when you are hungry, try shoving bread up your nose. 
Nutritionist Leonetta Grimmm - author of the "shoving bread up your nose instead of eating diet book", whose clients include that dead one from Brookside suggests: 

"Try to make a game out of shoving bread up your nose instead of eating. Compete with your friends to see who can go the longest without passing out. Set up a league at work to support each other when you fall over due to lack of oxygen and nutrients." 

2. Lemons are brilliant if you want to lose weight.
They're especially good if you don't eat them at all. If you don't eat lemons, or chocolate, or chips every day then the weight will just fall off you. 

3. Try eating cat food instead of real food. 
Last year this became the diet to try after Liz Hurley's cousin Beverley (estranged) admitted that it had helped her flush out her bingo wings. 

Beverley opted for Sheba because she's posh - but if you're cheap as shit buy Kittycat. 

4. Cut something off 
You leg has to weigh at least a stone. Imagine that - a stone in a day! You could eat millions of mars bars after that. 

5. Get a tape worm 
Or nearest equivalent. Come off it - we all secretly want a friend called Terry the Tapeworm who keeps you skinny - better than those other frenemies who are all secretly trying to fatten you up in order that they can steal all the men in the world and stockpile them in a bunker somewhere in Norfolk, having fun shagging parties and waiting for the apocalypse - whilst you rot in your house like Miss Haversham with nothing but a lipstick mouth that you've drawn on your own hand to kiss. 

Fashion insiders predict that Amoebas are going to take Paris Fashion Week by storm next season. We can't wait.