Sunday, 10 October 2010

New Film.....

And there you'd all been thinking I wasn't up to anything.
Last Sunday myself and six beautiful brides took over a rainy Finsbury Park and made some art.

Music is by the amazing Rodney Fisher  and the brides are: Alex Trotter, Alix McKenzie, Andrea Lee, Jeanette Leach, Sumby Nawaz and Leila Hernandez. It was the best filming day ever with six of the coolest ladies known to humanity!


If you can't make this link work it's also on my Youtube Channel:
And Myspace:

What else can you ask for?! xxx

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Goodbye 30 - you did me well....

A quick and happy update for today, I turned 31 yesterday. It's a common phenomenon to freak out for a full six months before turning 30 - I know too many people who did it. Ageing is feared in our society, we inject botulism into our faces to try and stop it, we end up looking like Sissy Spacek to counter its effects - all of which is a stupid and unnecessary waste of precious time.  So ageing does bring you a little closer to death - so fucking what? I love learning, I love getting through another year and genuinely being older and wiser. Turning 30 is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and here are my reasons why:

1. I have a proper job, which means I earned enough money to buy myself a computer - which started everything.....
2. I have recorded half an album - I'm going to re-record it at 31 to make it actually sound good, but I'm still pretty proud of that.
3. I've made 3 films. I'm making another one next week. This goddamn rocks, all I've ever really wanted to do with my life is make films and now I'm doing it.
4. I've written half a novel. If I'm really lucky one day I'll get it finished.
5. I've joined a couple of bands and started playing flute again - I didn't touch my flute for 10 years and I thought I couldn't improvise. It turns out I'm more talented than I thought I was.
6. I write cartoons even though I can't draw - they make me happy.
7. It's much easier not to give a rats ass about the negativity surrounding you when you can create.
8. Neighbours has been really good this year - especially in the last few weeks. Paul Robinson you bastard.
9. Same goes for Eastenders - Phil on crack, best thing ever.

So there you have it. 30 has been really groundbreaking for me, I can't believe I've achieved so much, and next year's going to be even better. I can feel it in my bones.......


Monday, 13 September 2010

Welcome to Tommy's diet club

Hi everyone, people keep asking me how I keep my wonderful physique, even now I'm over 30 years old and should be going for at least daily injections of botulism into my face to prevent me from being unattractive to men. 

So I'm going to take a few moments to share with you my top five diet tips, maybe you could follow them yourselves and maybe you won't die alone and be eaten by cats. 

1. Instead of eating when you are hungry, try shoving bread up your nose. 
Nutritionist Leonetta Grimmm - author of the "shoving bread up your nose instead of eating diet book", whose clients include that dead one from Brookside suggests: 

"Try to make a game out of shoving bread up your nose instead of eating. Compete with your friends to see who can go the longest without passing out. Set up a league at work to support each other when you fall over due to lack of oxygen and nutrients." 

2. Lemons are brilliant if you want to lose weight.
They're especially good if you don't eat them at all. If you don't eat lemons, or chocolate, or chips every day then the weight will just fall off you. 

3. Try eating cat food instead of real food. 
Last year this became the diet to try after Liz Hurley's cousin Beverley (estranged) admitted that it had helped her flush out her bingo wings. 

Beverley opted for Sheba because she's posh - but if you're cheap as shit buy Kittycat. 

4. Cut something off 
You leg has to weigh at least a stone. Imagine that - a stone in a day! You could eat millions of mars bars after that. 

5. Get a tape worm 
Or nearest equivalent. Come off it - we all secretly want a friend called Terry the Tapeworm who keeps you skinny - better than those other frenemies who are all secretly trying to fatten you up in order that they can steal all the men in the world and stockpile them in a bunker somewhere in Norfolk, having fun shagging parties and waiting for the apocalypse - whilst you rot in your house like Miss Haversham with nothing but a lipstick mouth that you've drawn on your own hand to kiss. 

Fashion insiders predict that Amoebas are going to take Paris Fashion Week by storm next season. We can't wait. 

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

The story of the beautiful bartender......

Hey lovely people - here's some more comic madness for you.
As you can see from the beautiful story below - I still can't draw. I'll of course update you if I do ever learn to draw, but it's very unlikely.

Harvey Pekar couldn't draw.
That's my argument and I'm sticking with it.

Of course Harvey Pekar had Robert Crumb and about 10 million other people who could draw.
Damn my amazing arguments against myself.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Phil on crack special....

I love soap operas. I love them so much that Emily and I once spent at least five hours laughing one Christmas day when we realised that our friend Phil - if he changed his middle names could be called Phillip Martin Barry Evans.

Anyway - Eastenders has surpassed itself this week, beating Zammo from Grange Hill's infamous dragon chasing; Brookside's cult and Bouncer's Dream in one gigantic leap for soap kind.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking, of course, about notable TV hardman Phil Mitchell - on crack!

In tribute to this televisual feast I've created a special edition of Deirdre.

Take it away Phil.......

Adventures on the periphery of the music industry....

Hello dear everyone, it feels like ages. Has it been a long time since I last treated you to the goings on from my head? Well it feels like ages.

I've been having a rare old time - since I stopped thinking about my artistic endeavours in terms of monthly tasks and just started doing whatever the hell I wanted I've started tapdancing around the edges of the music biz. It all started about six months ago when I discovered that, after about eight years of not getting around to it, I could still play the flute. Even stranger I could suddenly improvise - where I'd never had the balls to do so before. So I started doing the odd bit of folky stuff here and there and suddenly I'm a musician again. I can prove it - who but a true musician would have two bruises on her legs that she has no idea where they're from AND have lasted over a week without going yellow. Seriously - they're still purple.

So I'm either a musician or I'm dying of something horrible.

Anyway - I discovered that I'm not bad at being a musician so I decided to see how far I could blag it and since then I've recorded with a couple of different bands and it's been amazing. The first, Of Moths and Stars are a couple of nice young men (you'd like them mum) who live in Hong Kong and play guitars a lot, the second, a lovely lady called Sira recorded in a studio where Dave Grohl allegedly recorded (unless they were lying on the website. In which case I shouldn't have licked the sofa when everyone left the room.) I wonder if Dave Grohl got horribly lost trying to find it, having taken two buses to find that it was in the middle of a scary looking industrial estate???

Anyway - to celebrate I've put some of my songs on Myspace. Mum emailed me today and said that she couldn't access the songs from here so for anyone else that has this problem here's a handy linky link for you all to play with.....

In other news - I'm making my next film. I've found a venue, I just need 30 women in Wedding Dresses.

I put all of this down to being 30 by the way. It's a great age, I'm going to be sad when it finishes next month. 30 - we salute you.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

The night my momma killed that girl by Tommy Lassoo

The night my momma killed that girl by Tommy Lassoo

"I looked away the night my momma got the chair,
I hope where she goes they have good cheerleaders there."

So I re-recorded this little gem tonight. Please note the amazingly percussiveness of a box of drawing pins, the slightly croaky voice and the complete and total inability to play the geetar.

On a different note - I'm currently working on the GREATEST VIDEO IDEA EVER.
Watch this space xxx

Monday, 2 August 2010

Pretty demo by Tommy Lassoo

Pretty demo by Tommy Lassoo

This is very scary. I have a terminal fear of anyone hearing the music that I make. I have a terminal fear of singing in public.
Oh fuck it.
What is life about if not scaring the be-jesus out of yourself sometimes.

Sometimes you have to close your eyes and jump. Right?

Here are my babies. Go ahead and hate them. xxxx

Sunday, 25 July 2010

The one where we get V to fake labour in the middle of a busy airport in Berlin......

Hey hey hey,
I've decided to upload my new video at last, I think it's done, i'm not really sure but if I keep working on it I'll probably go insane and no one wants that.

Just a few words explanation - The music is by There's a Mountain - who not only rock hard at this myspace page but are also 70% related to me.

The star of the show is V - who I'm sure has a myspace which I'll find out ASAP!

The whole thing was filmed in record time thanks to V and Em, my beloved sister in law / best friend and the world's best fake pregnancy designer.

The concept was supposed to be an airport dash in the style of any rom com worth it's salt - I wanted to fuck around with the genre whilst celebrating all things cheesey - let me know if you think it works.

Bad Man by There's a Mountain

bunchofsavages | MySpace Video

Saturday, 24 July 2010

top five movies where the sequel is better.....

Top five sequels that are better than the original:

I have been working on this post my entire life, I think I've nearly got it but please feel free to discuss any quibbles below (just for the record, the more you don't comment, the more I believe that I'm completely correct in everything I say and the closer to becoming some sort of maniacal dictator I become- therefore if you don't comment it's your fault entirely when I take over the world and make school children sing 40 boys in 40 nights by The Donnas in school assembly, make it a crime punishable by death to talk in cinemas and instil compulsory Zombie Tuesdays in all workplaces). (You've been warned.)

In reverse order.........

5. Grease 2.
I need a cool rider. A cooooool rider. If he's cool enough he can burn me through and through - woah woah woah.....

Okay I'm lying a bit. Grease 2 is not better than the original. But it definitely succeeds as an incredible stand alone shining piece of crap in the highest sense. Who would have thought that from these tiny potatoes Michelle Pfeifer (still can't spell her name) would go on to the lofty heights of Scarface and Batman Forever (ooh, that should so be in this list), followed by obtaining a facelift that would make Emmylou Harris wince with surprise (oh wait, that's her resting face) and Maxwell Caulfield would go on to The Colbys, Empire Records (sorry I fell asleep there for a second) and - oh pinnacle of pinnacles - Emmerdale (you think I'm joking but I'm not. I fucking LOVE Emmerdale. It's like a sitcom with more shagging and Patsy Kensit.)  The highlight of Grease 2 is the girl who played Doris Finsucker in Fame getting another acting role. We salute you.

4. Nightmare on Elm Street 3

Mom, I'm still having those awful dreams.

When Renny Harlin signed up to New Line Cinema's third Freddie franchise did he realise that he'd be steering that ship towards heaven? A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3 (Dream Warriors) is a masterpiece, from the badly dubbed screaming of the goddess-like Patricia Arquette, to the electively mute pervert Joey, the embarrassing African American stereotype from a 60's blacksploitation movie Kincaid (see the scene where he and the Larry Fishburne have a little brother back and forth, if you don't wince slightly you're a big dirty racist and I'm going to report you to the PC gone mad brigade.) Not to mention the death by yucky needles (bleughhhhh) the death by head through telly, a guest spot by Zsa Zsa Gabor and the realisation that all you need to do to kill Freddie is to not believe in him (REALLY? Three fucking movies to work that out?). Rennie you pulled out all the stops and I love you, make the most of it, your next movie will be Cutthroat Island and I'm walking away.

3.  Lethal Weapon 2
But - you're blick.

I've already mentioned Patsy Kensit haven't I? Well fuck it I'm going to mention her again. I love Patsy Kensit. She's actually in one of my favourite movies ever (Grace of My Heart - watch it, watch it again, pretend the characters are your real friends and feel all warm inside before trudging sadly back to your shitty life), her south African accent is flawless - if you've never met or heard or even seen a real person from South Africa, and her lips inflate like tampons in adverts filled with blue fluid. Couple that with an evil Joss Ackland, Joe Pesci and a buddy relationship that makes you want to go and live in Murtagh's house forever and you've got one hell of a sequel.

2. Gremlins 2

How the hell do you top a film with Judge Reinhold in it? Many fools have tried and failed but Gremlins 2 is the exception. Joe Dante, the director clearly used everything that the great but mostly a bit shit Roger Corman taught him about stupid horror films - there's the spider gremlin, the lady gremlin, the gremlin that talks like Lloyd Grossman, there's Christopher Lee playing Doctor Catheter - the mad geneticist (greatest role he's ever played, fuck the Wicker Man), the flying gremlin, Hulk Hogan - or John Wayne for the British audience.  Gremlins 2 is arguably the greatest movie of all time and Joe Dante IS A GOD

1. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

You may be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the Reaper.

This has been the longest running conversation in my mind - since the age of 13 I have been debating and debating, which is the best Bill and Ted movie? How could I choose? How could anyone choose? It's like choosing between your children, and really good children at that - not bratty snotty rubbish children that you don't really want.

Eventually I drew up a points system and Bogus Journey pips it - here goes:
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure -
1. Napoleon
2. The line "You killed Ted you medieval dickweed.
3. Socrates and Billy the Kid become firm friends
4. Waterloo
5. "Put them in the Iron Maiden - Iron Maiden? Excellent!"

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey -
1. The Reaper
2. Jim Martin from Faith No More
3. The good robot us'
4. The evil robot us'
5. Station
6. "What's the meaning of life?" "Every rose has it's thorn, every night has it's dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song."

So there you are. Science.

and just quickly - sequels that made me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon, then eat my eyes, then poo my eyes out, then burn my poo, then jump on the burned patch of ground...)

5. The Lord of the Rings part 2
4. The Godfather part 3
3. The Cube 2
2. The Omen part 2 and 3
1.Be Cool

Sequels I will never watch on principle

5. Gregory's 2 girls
4. An American Warewolf in Paris
3. The blues Brothers 2000
2. Indiana Jones part 4 - whatever it's called
1. Clerks 2

Big news - woman puts on weight after having baby, then exercises

Is it because my body must always be a source of pain?
Bikini Kill

It's been ages since I had a feminist rant. I blame the art. Bloody art - creating stuff, no matter how rubbish looking and infantile it is, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, I can almost skip through my daily dose of newspapers without screaming too loudly; I can look away whilst Gary Bushell still walks the earth and smile despite the fact that David Cameron and his shitty little mates are slowly taking apart the country and insisting that it's the public sector who are fat cats - because obviously people in the public sector caused the recession with their bottomless greed or lied about their expenses to pay for duck houses and .....grrrrr.

Anyway, I found myself getting a little bit angry the other day over this particular lovely. Apparently a weather "girl" made the heinous decision to eat food and get fat whilst she was pregnant and then had the audacity to work out in public with her belly on show.

The bitch.
This article was posted over every single tabloid last week.
Every single one.

So this is news? this is news? Really??? Is it fucking news? What - did you run out of broken down men with guns and a thirst for attention to glorify? I guess Winehouse hasn't fallen over for a little while.

Something else scared me about this, however, because the photo was in every single tabloid it's easy to get the passing whiff of a publicist around these parts. Let's look at it a bit more closely - a quick search of Clare Nasir on the Daily Mail website sees lots of conveniently placed stories about her pregnancy and it's apparently "miraculous" status. Clearly this has been a story to be told.

The outfit is skimpy, very skimpy indeed, at first I thought it smacked of an upcoming eating disorder, where you wear as little as you can whilst you compulsively exercise so that you can see every ripple and truly judge yourself. But doesn't it look more like the "before" on one of those before and after workout videos (think Sonia from Eastenders, Bianca from Eastenders, Laura from Eastenders, Dirty Den from Eastenders - okay I put that one in to increase the gratuitous imagery quota). Methinks there is publicity afoot - and when, in about 2 months, she's worked her ass out and lived off salad and is a skinny Minnie again she will be double blessed, with a new shiny baby and a new shiny workout DVD.

Isn't it cute? Doesn't it make you want to jump up and down for 2 weeks before sending it to a charity shop? Adorable.

Now this leads me nicely to the second bit of my rant. I was talking to an acquaintance the other day and he started to admit his respect for Paris Hilton. He argued that she was a savvy business woman and had managed her product (herself) impeccably.

I've heard this argument countless times - Jordan is a savvy businesswoman, therefore worthy of respect. Paris Hilton has made a bag of cash, therefore is worthy of my respect.  Suffice to say that I think this is a fucking crock of capitalist shit lies. If someone wants to make money, if making money is the one thing in the world that they want to do, if it's the thing that floats their boat, the peanut butter to their jam sandwich - then they are a fucking shallow tossrag. If all you want to do is make money and you are willing to sacrifice your dignity, your intelligence and your self respect for it (and let's get this straight, we're not talking about feeding yourself or anyone else, we're talking about living a life of luxury) - then you have no soul.

If being a savvy businesswoman involves pumping your tits up, taking your top off, pretending to be stupid and having reality tv to prove it then excuse me while I sign on.

But that's not what my major beef is. If a load of stupid arseholes wanted to do this (and they do) then that's fine - but it's the wider impact that really fucks me off......

Because Jordan whoring herself, whilst it's entirely her business what she does with her arse, impacts on our society. She's a household name, people are looking at her, girls are looking at her and thinking that this is a valuable career for a woman to take. The papers hound her, she's famous. She's the cult of celebrity. You don't get famous by being a brain surgeon, you don't get famous by being a good writer, or a nuclear physicist or a goddamn IT nerd.

That's what pisses me off. Jordan / Paris Hilton / insert name here are perpetuating a culture in which women are judged for what they look like and anything considered unfeminine is deemed unattractive - therefore making aforementioned woman worthless.

Clare Nasir is either being exploited or she's exploiting herself - and fair do's to her on one side. If those photos were taken without her knowledge then I can't even imagine the pain that could be caused.

Even if she's organised the publicity - being pregnant is a mighty slog and getting big is part and parcel. Carving a body shape that you're happy with is also challenging and exercise is a bitch that will make you happy if you let it. If she can make a career opportunity from this then she is savvy. But what's also happening here is that someone is fuelling this tabloid fire and putting the message out there that fat women are here to be stared at like freakshows and mocked, that women's bodies are a display for the world to judge as they see fit.

The tabloid thirst for this shit makes me sick to my stomach. Whether the story was just - woman gets fat, how disgusting or it's leading up to - woman gets thin again, woopy do, we can oggle her again, fuel is being chucked on that fire, and with it the self esteem of another generation slowly ebbs away.

There's more to life than making money by any means necessary, there is art and love and a whole exciting world out there.

Man that felt good.
Have fun everyone. i'll be back with some silly pictures of angels, lots of lists of the cheapest films ever made (and possibly a song or two) very soon. xxxxx

Monday, 19 July 2010

Let's talk turkeys......

Beach blanket bingo,
Beach blanket bingo,
Beach blanket bingo,
That's the name of the game.

One of my greatest bugbears is re-makes, Hollywood re-make good films and make them shitey - that's how they make money. They take good ideas and wonderful things and they wipe their greedy little bums with them. That's what they do. Simon Cowell does the same thing in the music industry - they're evil. But we know this.

But in the spirit of The Opposite of Hate I've decided to have a quick celebration of five films that I can almost guarantee (bar one, which has already been done) won't be being re-made. Ever. In the world.

Why? You ask - well it's because they're the greatest, cheapest, strangest turkeys known to the world. Crap movies I salute you.

Here's my top 5 (in dramatic reverse order):

5. The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

If often find time in the day to celebrate the work of Randal Kleiser. Randall Kleiser directed Grease, Grease is a musical that celebrates girls who unashamedly smoke, drink and sleep around and tells nice girls that they should also smoke, drink and sleep around. Nowadays, of course, high school films tell you that you should be pure in thought, word and deed, until someone leaks a tape of you giving someone a blowy on the internet. Nice.

Kleiser started off, however, with this particularly incredible piece of cheap filmmaking.
Starring a young and confused looking John Travolta, as the kid who no one can touch, the Boy In the Plastic Bubble is entirely worth the 75p my friend Pauly spent buying me a copy, for the scene in which he goes to the beach in a portable plastic bubble. Chump doesn't begin to cover the facial expressions of the man who would one day sell the most perfect arse in musical cinema to a strange cult. JT's sickly gurn makes me want to live in a bubble of my own, but a concrete one, which I can't see him through. 

n.b this has already been remade as the amazing musical "Bubble Boy" - which fully utilises all gags inherent in the porta-bubble. Dang we need more of those.

4. When Dreams Come True

Okay, if I find anyone in the entire world (who isn't one of the actors in this astounding piece o' shit) who has seen this film and isn't me or Emily, then I will be thoroughly impressed.
I bought this movie for a pound in my local corner shop when I was the most hungover I have ever been. I watched it, I ate crisps, I threw up.

Somehow, When Dreams Come True ended up being a hangover special in an old house sharing set up, mostly down to it's frankly rubbish electro synth soundtrack (someone got a Casio for Christmas and got no further than the "dream" setting. Not even a bossa nova) and the very odd sub-plot involving gypsies who look a bit like Tom Seleck. Not to mention the starring role from the guy who lets the virus out in Twelve Monkeys.

It was written by William Bleich though - which sounds a bit like the noise I make when I'm hungover. Maybe he knew this.

You can read my rubbish review of it on the IMDB here:
Although I wouldn't bother.

3. Beach Blanket Bingo.

Beach Blanket Bingo is the greatest film ever made (apart from the two movies above it in this particular countdown.) Not only does it star Frankie Avalon AND Annette Funicello (yes you heard it here kids, Frankie AND Annette - in a rare appearance together apart from the 200 other films a bit like this one and probably a long running tv series and some pretty ropey public appearances)  but it has a young Linda Evans and the best soundtrack a 60's beach movie has ever had.

Over the years BBB has come to become shorthand for "shit film" - being the film that the characters laughingly go and see in such lesser classics as The Outsiders and Good Morning Vietnam (both the poor man's Beach Blanket Bingo if you ask me. I've never seen Robin Williams realistically driving a fake car and C.Thomas Howell never retired from movies to launch his own range of delightful teddy bears - no siree).

But, as we all know, the world is full of idiots. One day this classic will be re-discovered and held up as the Citizen Kane of movies shot in cold places whilst all the characters, dressed in bikinis, are pretending to be warm. 

2. The Room.

Seldom does a film actually change my life, but The Room changed my life.
I don't think I need to say anything else.

Oh hi doggie.

1. Beyond Control - The Amy Fisher Story

For some reason me and my big sister spent and entire summer working our way through every movie that was stocked in the Felixstowe branch of Blockbuster. We had our minds veritably blown by the incredible shit on offer. But The Amy Fisher Story has always held the place closest to my heart.

I love Drew Barrymore, I always have, in her autobiography she states that making this film (straight after rehab number 1) was how she saved herself.

Thank fuck it saved someone. It's incredible in it's crapness, from it's Oddessy Home Videos special tinkly piano music soundtrack through its "creepy real life" plotline (teenage girl shags older man, shoots his wife) down to the fact that it stars a man who wears, what I now know as Paedophile trousers. The acting also gives A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 a run for its money.

It was directed by Andy Tennant, who now works as an actual director in Hollywood.
All of these things make me blissfully happy.

So there we go - re-make my arse Hollywood. I'm happy with your finest rejects and I suggest everyone go and celebrate each and every one of them.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

The opposite of hate Dylan and Andrew special

I've heard wonderful news today, my big stinky brother and his wonderful boyfriend are getting married after being together for at least 1 million years.

So I've decided to dedicate this blog to them. Dylan and Andrew ..... NOW can I be a mans-maid?

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Showing off.....

Good morning pop pickers, I trust that everyone is well rested and happy.
I'm currently about to start editing a music video that I shot in Berlin but until that particular gem can be proudly placed before you I'm going to have a little gloat about how much I love love love love my camera. Here are my favourite pics from the summer so far. Camera, we salute you: