Welcome to Tommy's diet club

Hi everyone, people keep asking me how I keep my wonderful physique, even now I'm over 30 years old and should be going for at least daily injections of botulism into my face to prevent me from being unattractive to men. 

So I'm going to take a few moments to share with you my top five diet tips, maybe you could follow them yourselves and maybe you won't die alone and be eaten by cats. 

1. Instead of eating when you are hungry, try shoving bread up your nose. 
Nutritionist Leonetta Grimmm - author of the "shoving bread up your nose instead of eating diet book", whose clients include that dead one from Brookside suggests: 


"Try to make a game out of shoving bread up your nose instead of eating. Compete with your friends to see who can go the longest without passing out. Set up a league at work to support each other when you fall over due to lack of oxygen and nutrients." 




2. Lemons are brilliant if you want to lose weight.
They're especially good if you don't eat them at all. If you don't eat lemons, or chocolate, or chips every day then the weight will just fall off you. 





3. Try eating cat food instead of real food. 
Last year this became the diet to try after Liz Hurley's cousin Beverley (estranged) admitted that it had helped her flush out her bingo wings. 


Beverley opted for Sheba because she's posh - but if you're cheap as shit buy Kittycat. 

4. Cut something off 
You leg has to weigh at least a stone. Imagine that - a stone in a day! You could eat millions of mars bars after that. 









5. Get a tape worm 
Or nearest equivalent. Come off it - we all secretly want a friend called Terry the Tapeworm who keeps you skinny - better than those other frenemies who are all secretly trying to fatten you up in order that they can steal all the men in the world and stockpile them in a bunker somewhere in Norfolk, having fun shagging parties and waiting for the apocalypse - whilst you rot in your house like Miss Haversham with nothing but a lipstick mouth that you've drawn on your own hand to kiss. 


Fashion insiders predict that Amoebas are going to take Paris Fashion Week by storm next season. We can't wait.