Saturday, 24 July 2010

top five movies where the sequel is better.....

Top five sequels that are better than the original:

I have been working on this post my entire life, I think I've nearly got it but please feel free to discuss any quibbles below (just for the record, the more you don't comment, the more I believe that I'm completely correct in everything I say and the closer to becoming some sort of maniacal dictator I become- therefore if you don't comment it's your fault entirely when I take over the world and make school children sing 40 boys in 40 nights by The Donnas in school assembly, make it a crime punishable by death to talk in cinemas and instil compulsory Zombie Tuesdays in all workplaces). (You've been warned.)

In reverse order.........

5. Grease 2.
I need a cool rider. A cooooool rider. If he's cool enough he can burn me through and through - woah woah woah.....

Okay I'm lying a bit. Grease 2 is not better than the original. But it definitely succeeds as an incredible stand alone shining piece of crap in the highest sense. Who would have thought that from these tiny potatoes Michelle Pfeifer (still can't spell her name) would go on to the lofty heights of Scarface and Batman Forever (ooh, that should so be in this list), followed by obtaining a facelift that would make Emmylou Harris wince with surprise (oh wait, that's her resting face) and Maxwell Caulfield would go on to The Colbys, Empire Records (sorry I fell asleep there for a second) and - oh pinnacle of pinnacles - Emmerdale (you think I'm joking but I'm not. I fucking LOVE Emmerdale. It's like a sitcom with more shagging and Patsy Kensit.)  The highlight of Grease 2 is the girl who played Doris Finsucker in Fame getting another acting role. We salute you.

4. Nightmare on Elm Street 3

Mom, I'm still having those awful dreams.

When Renny Harlin signed up to New Line Cinema's third Freddie franchise did he realise that he'd be steering that ship towards heaven? A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3 (Dream Warriors) is a masterpiece, from the badly dubbed screaming of the goddess-like Patricia Arquette, to the electively mute pervert Joey, the embarrassing African American stereotype from a 60's blacksploitation movie Kincaid (see the scene where he and the Larry Fishburne have a little brother back and forth, if you don't wince slightly you're a big dirty racist and I'm going to report you to the PC gone mad brigade.) Not to mention the death by yucky needles (bleughhhhh) the death by head through telly, a guest spot by Zsa Zsa Gabor and the realisation that all you need to do to kill Freddie is to not believe in him (REALLY? Three fucking movies to work that out?). Rennie you pulled out all the stops and I love you, make the most of it, your next movie will be Cutthroat Island and I'm walking away.

3.  Lethal Weapon 2
But - you're blick.

I've already mentioned Patsy Kensit haven't I? Well fuck it I'm going to mention her again. I love Patsy Kensit. She's actually in one of my favourite movies ever (Grace of My Heart - watch it, watch it again, pretend the characters are your real friends and feel all warm inside before trudging sadly back to your shitty life), her south African accent is flawless - if you've never met or heard or even seen a real person from South Africa, and her lips inflate like tampons in adverts filled with blue fluid. Couple that with an evil Joss Ackland, Joe Pesci and a buddy relationship that makes you want to go and live in Murtagh's house forever and you've got one hell of a sequel.

2. Gremlins 2

How the hell do you top a film with Judge Reinhold in it? Many fools have tried and failed but Gremlins 2 is the exception. Joe Dante, the director clearly used everything that the great but mostly a bit shit Roger Corman taught him about stupid horror films - there's the spider gremlin, the lady gremlin, the gremlin that talks like Lloyd Grossman, there's Christopher Lee playing Doctor Catheter - the mad geneticist (greatest role he's ever played, fuck the Wicker Man), the flying gremlin, Hulk Hogan - or John Wayne for the British audience.  Gremlins 2 is arguably the greatest movie of all time and Joe Dante IS A GOD

1. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

You may be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the Reaper.

This has been the longest running conversation in my mind - since the age of 13 I have been debating and debating, which is the best Bill and Ted movie? How could I choose? How could anyone choose? It's like choosing between your children, and really good children at that - not bratty snotty rubbish children that you don't really want.

Eventually I drew up a points system and Bogus Journey pips it - here goes:
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure -
1. Napoleon
2. The line "You killed Ted you medieval dickweed.
3. Socrates and Billy the Kid become firm friends
4. Waterloo
5. "Put them in the Iron Maiden - Iron Maiden? Excellent!"

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey -
1. The Reaper
2. Jim Martin from Faith No More
3. The good robot us'
4. The evil robot us'
5. Station
6. "What's the meaning of life?" "Every rose has it's thorn, every night has it's dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song."

So there you are. Science.

and just quickly - sequels that made me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon, then eat my eyes, then poo my eyes out, then burn my poo, then jump on the burned patch of ground...)

5. The Lord of the Rings part 2
4. The Godfather part 3
3. The Cube 2
2. The Omen part 2 and 3
1.Be Cool

Sequels I will never watch on principle

5. Gregory's 2 girls
4. An American Warewolf in Paris
3. The blues Brothers 2000
2. Indiana Jones part 4 - whatever it's called
1. Clerks 2


  1. No Evil Dead 2? Surely a shining example.

  2. Good point anonymous. In fact - Army of Darkness is probably the best in the trilogy by miles - made me fall off sofa laughing.

  3. Indiana Jones and the hip replacement25 July 2010 at 04:52

    The Empire Strikes back. Granted subsequent events (essentially every fucking thing from the invention of the fucking Ewoks and the horror of realising that they were far from the worst that was to come) have tarnished the whole franchise but, still. Go Darth!

    Sadly Elvira's Haunted Hills isn't better than Elvira, Mistress of the Dark but it does have a song containing the line "Seven chinese acrobats, Taught me their unnatural acts" which has to be worth something.

  4. That is a very good line. I forgot to put Elvira's Haunted Hills into the second list, unfortunately, as I watched ten minutes and felt like my eyes were being inappropriately touched. Sigh.

  5. I have to agree that Empire should have made the list, clearly the best film of the three Star Wars films (AND THERE WERE ONLY THREE).

    Delighted that Bill & Ted made number 1 as well, it's been a long standing belief of mine that it's the best example of a sequel surpassing the original and it's now on the internet so it must be true.

    "They melvinned me!"

  6. I'm glad you agree that Grease 2 is worthy of the genre 'genius shit'. As kids, my sister and I wore out the Betamax taped off the telly copy we had. In the same vein if Footloose or The Goonies were sequels I would also blindly argue their case.

    On a separate point. I saw Clerks 2, and really enjoyed it. It may be in colour, and everyone may be a little pudgier, but it works very well.

  7. i hate this.
    Grease 2 is amazing.
    i don't know why people give it so much shit.
    REPRODUCTION is the best!
    and michael carrington aka maxwell caulfield is the most beautiful guy ever.
    i don't care what you are, chick or dude, you have to either admit, confess or just agree. b/c it's true. it's fucking true.